Music...The Healer Of All Souls

"A song can speak and heal when there are no words."-Kimberly Schlapman

This really is true. Music has always been there when no one else has...through the good and the bad times. It sometimes filled the void that was present at certain times in my life. It can bring a smile to your face or bring you to tears. It can say what's inside your soul but you just couldn't find the words to say. It can describe what you didn't realize you were feeling until you heard a particular song.

Personally, I don't know what I'd do without music. I can honestly say I don't think I'd be alive without it. It helped lift me out of the darkest depression I was in. There were days where I'd sit in my room all day listening to songs such as "Angels Cry" by Everlife, "One Day You Will" by Lady Antebellum, and "Stand Back Up" by Sugarland. I'd listen to them on repeat and just bawl my eyes out until I had no more tears to cry. There were other days where I was so numb I didn't know what I was feeling and the music got me through it.

Music got me through my parents' divorce. It was always there for me through my teenage years. In high school, I was obsessed with Christina Aguilera. The reason for that being that she had an abusive father (though hers was physically abusive, mine usually was not) and I felt like she knew what I was going through...I could relate to her songs and her pain. It helped me know I was not alone.

Music was there for me through my grandma's death. "I Miss You" by Inhabited and "Lost" by Little Big Town were the 2 songs I constantly listened to. I had Little Big Town's CD playing on the way to go say goodbye to my grandma. When I shut the car off, I didn't realize what song was next. I wasn't even thinking about it. Saying goodbye to my grandma was really hard and I walked out of there bawling, but I'm so glad I had the chance and the time with her. When I got into my car to leave, "Lost" came on. I just sat there and cried some more. It felt so healing and refreshing though and I was so glad my grandma wouldn't have to suffer anymore. She passed away that night.

Music is what gave me the courage to get out of some abusive relationships. "Evangeline" by Little Big Town made me realize just how abusive my dad was. I always rationalized it because it wasn't physical and I had no proof. But sometimes the emotional scars are worse...and they stay with you longer than the physical ones do. That song, along with "Stupid Boy" by Sarah Buxton, really helped me in realizing that and giving me the courage to get out of that situation and move out.

And now, "Lean Into It" by Little Big Town is my song. I can't help but think that in some parts, they may have been thinking specifically about me when they were writing this song. They know my story, they know what I've been through, through the letters I've written them. And when they sang this live, it was all I could do not to cry, as Karen and Kimberly sang a few parts looking directly at me.

Thank you, Kimberly, Karen, Phillip, and Jimi for writing music with meaning and with us fans in mind that we can all relate to and that can be a source of healing in our lives.

Time To Write

Wow, I haven't written in a long time. Since right before I got this job. I've just been soooo busy. Anyways, I've had writer's block for about 3 years now. And I think it's finally being broken. I started writing a book my senior year of high school. Well, these past few days, this strong desire to write has come over me and I've just had this complete flood of ideas for my book. I'm going to be changing alot of parts of my book that I had previously written just because I have ideas that I think are better. I can't wait to start writing again! It's always a good therapy for me too. I'm going to be trying to make more time for writing and hopefully more time for blogging, too.

Job Interview

So I had a job interview last night. I think it went very well and am praying that I will get this job. They're interviewing one other person and calling my references today and will let me know by tomorrow. I'll start by Sunday if I get hired. This is like my dream job. This is seriously the nanny job I always dreamed of...the one I didn't think actually existed. I feel like this job was made for me so I really, really hope I get it. It's a live-in nanny job for 5 month old boy/girl twins. I immediately felt super comfortable and at ease with this family...not nervous at all like I usually get. The little girl was fussing and has had a fever. They immediately handed her over to me to see how I would do with her. I also got the little boy while he was fussing because he was tired. They allowed me to hold him while they walked out of the room for a few minutes to say goodnight to their older daughter, Zoe. They wanted to make sure I could handle it without them there and that they could trust me. If I get this job, I'll be paid $350-400/week with taxes taken out. I'd have my own room and bathroom. They have 2 houses right now. One in La Crescenta and one in Carpinteria. May 1st, they're moving into 1 home in Camarillo. I'm so excited about this job and really hoping it works out!!

I HATE Cancer!!!

So I just found out that my friend's mom, Diane, was diagnosed with chronic leukemia. This makes me so sad. This isn't supposed to happen. Her husband, Mike, is one of the pastor's at my church I used to go to when I lived with my dad. Their oldest daughter, Tiffany, was a close friend of mine and mentor when I was younger, in high school. Their youngest daughter, Taylor, was on my dad's soccer team years ago, which is how we first got to know them. This shouldn't have happened to her, wasn't supposed to happen to her. Diane and their whole family was always really active. She was healthy. Cancer really doesn't discriminate. You just never know who it will strike. Her white blood cells are coming in as blasts, which means she has a really high white blood cell count. This is not good news. She had a bone marrow biopsy a few days ago. I don't know what the results were yet. Please be praying for the Jonker family.

March=Extra Busy!!!

March is going to be an extremely busy month!!! I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it as it's going to be a complete whirlwind and I'll probably be exhausted and running on little sleep for much of it. March 2nd, I'm going with Manda to her aunt's salon to get our hair done. Then that night we're going to the Joey + Rory and Zac Brown Band concert. March 5th is Emily's birthday. Then I'm driving 10 hours to my sister's on March 7th for her baby shower and driving the 10 hours back the next day. Then on March 10th, Manda and I are seeing Bomshel. Then on March 27th, my best friend, Brittany, is getting married. Hopefully I'll have some time to breathe in that month. :)

I Am A Fatty!!!

I feel like a lardo today. Seriously, I swear all I've done is eat. Gotta feed the baby Molly's I guess. Not really. I'm not pregnant...not even a possibility. :) Let's see...this morning I had a bowl of Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal. Then I had some Almond Joy Pieces. Then I had half a slice of Chocolate Oreo cake. Then I had a cookie. Then for lunch I had another bowl of the Special K cereal. Then for dinner I had macaroni and cheese. And I just now had an ice cream sandwich. Geeze!!

Life Is A Rollercoaster

It's kind of weird and amazing to me that life can be so completely up and down...sometimes leading you on a series of loop-de-loops. It really is like a rollercoaster sometimes! Yesterday was a pretty bad day, yet today was an amazingly good day. Yesterday, I was just feeling all-around emotional (the joys of being a girl!) and sad and down and just wanting to cry at various points in the day. I was feeling very frustrated about certain aspects of my life and stressing out majorly about money. Today, I relaxed just laying around the house in my PJs until noon. I got paid and then sat down and wrote out a budget for the week. Then I went out shopping with Emily and Isaiah. I got a really cute new skirt (Emily bought it!). Then we went out to eat at Olive Garden. So good!! I hadn't eaten there in forever!! I ate a bowl of salad, 2 breadsticks, some calamari, and half of what was on my plate. Geeze! Can we say fat ass?! LOL. I got an invitation in the mail today for my sister's baby shower. I will go even though it's a good 10 hour drive. I'm so excited because I get to see my nephew and sister and meet my brother-in-law finally. And I get to buy cute little girl stuff and bring stuff for my nephew!! And tomorrow night, I'm going shopping with Manda for stuff for my niece and nephew, then going to dinner, and to see Valentine's Day!! Today was just a good day and I'm honestly baffled at how quickly everything can turn 360 degrees from what it was the day before.

Forgiving Yourself

So, I've been realizing lately that I really need to learn to forgive myself and move on. I am so hard on myself. For example, I was supposed to meet Manda tonight in a shopping center so we could go to dinner. Well, I got lost like 4 different times (I completely suck with directions!) and ended up pulling into a gas station where she came and got me. I was sooo mad at myself...mentally beating myself up over and over again and trying my hardest not to cry. Manda wasn't mad at me...she just said I suck with directions which is true. However, she does not know how badly I was kicking myself over it. It shouldn't even be that big of a deal. So I got lost and took forever. Big deal. It happens. Drop it and move on. I need to learn this. People will forgive me and instantly drop little things like that while I'll just completely tear myself up. It's not healthy because I do it to a point of telling myself I'm stupid and worthless which just isn't true and I know this, but sometimes I just go back into those same thought patterns I used to struggle with when I get mad at myself. I'll even remember something that I did or that happened in the past and beat myself up about it all over again. It's something I really need to work on...just not being so hard on myself. Does anybody else struggle with this?

Just Some Randomness

I've had several random thoughts floating around my head lately, so I'm just going to post as many as I think of.

1. Random conversations about poop are super funny. Gross, I know, but just try it. Trust me, you'll be laughing. Especially if it's over twitter and others can see and be grossed out. lol Okay...maybe I'm just really immature. Haha. Either way, I don't care. It's fun and I like having fun. :)

2. I've loved the name Reese for a long time (yes, huge Reese Witherspoon fan), but I couldn't figure out a middle name that would go with it. I finally figured it out. Reese Elizabeth. Sooo pretty and so perfect. :) Not that I'm having any kids anytime soon or maybe even at all, but if I have a girl, for now, I have the perfect name picked out.

3. I absolutely cannot wait to see Sandra Bullock at the Santa Barbara Film Festival on February 5th. She's winning an award so me and some friends bought tickets to see her. It's a red carpet even and I'm starting to freak out over what to wear because I don't know if it's casual or you're supposed to dress nice.

4. I've been having really weird dreams lately about finding abandoned babies, not being able to find their mothers, and keeping them and raising them. In the first dream, it was my baby sister and I ended up legally adopting her. I'm not sure exactly what's up with these dreams. It's quite weird. I don't normally have dreams, but I've just been having super strange, completely memorable ones lately.

5. I have the best friends that get me addicted/obsessed to amazing people/things. Tiffany got me addicted to Cougar Town. I love Courteney Cox. Tiffany, Becky, and Hannah got me obsessed with Kristin Chenoweth. She's just super adorable and amazing!!!

I'm sure there are more and they will probably be posted later, but I'm getting too tired to think now. But most of my weird/random thoughts happen at night when I get tired.

Goals for 2010

So I don't really make resolutions anymore because what's the point if they just get broken the next day. But I am into making goals so here are my goals for 2010.

1. To not cut my hair all year other than trimming it. I want to see how long I can grow it cuz I miss having long hair. I always say I'm going to grow my hair out but then I get bored and get it cut. But I really can't do much with it when it's short and I hate that.

2. To spend the least amount of money possible. I want to only spend money on the necessary and save the rest. I have a really bad spending habit (especially when I'm stressed) and really don't make enough to be spending money all the time. I want to start saving up my money for concert tickets and trips and stuff like that. I also want to build up my savings account in case an emergency with my car or something else was to occur because to be honest, if my car were to break down right now, I'd be screwed. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck.

3. To exercise once or twice a day (morning and night) on the Wii Fit. I want to get in better shape. I never exercise. I get sick often...about once every 1-3 months. I'm really tired of it. I never exercise and I think that may be contributing to my immune system being so depleted and me getting sick so easily. I'm willing to do pretty much whatever it takes to get healthy and that is why I bought the Wii Fit. I do not have the time or money to go to the gym and the Wii Fit makes it easy because I can exercise anytime I want in the comfort of my own home and I get my own personal trainer.

4. To start devoting my time to writing my book again. I've realized that I let other people crush that dream for me. But deep down, it is still my dream to get my book published. I know I can do it...but the only way it's going to happen is if I don't give up, I keep persevering, and I work on it consistently and keep pushing forward.

5. To allow myself to heal as much as possible and not stay in unhealthy relationships. And I don't mean dating relationships, I mean family and friends. There are still a few relationships that I need to either cut off or limit the amount of contact and influence they have over me in order to completely heal and be healthy.