A Time Of Reflection

Ever since the night Mallary posted this song, I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I've thought of it day and night. I've thought of what it means and how it fits with my life and where I'm at right now. How it speaks perfectly on how I've been thinking. I'd been doing alot of reflecting prior to this song about my ex girlfriend/best friend and everything that that relationship was, everything that caused it to go sour and dissolve and this song just fit in perfectly with where my thoughts kept leading me. That I absolutely wouldn't change anything and didn't have regrets because that relationship did have a purpose and there was/is a reason for everything and that I did have "One Good Moment" with her. In fact, I had many good moments with her. And yes, I got hurt, but it was all worth it.

If I had to choose anything that I regret out of that relationship, it would be that I hurt her. And while I'd like to say none of it was deliberate, unfortunately I can't say that. I was hurting and angry so I sometimes lashed out when something she said hurt me/made me mad. I wish I just wouldn't have said anything. Because even if she doesn't admit it, I know I hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't think that's the kind of person I am. So for that, I would just like to go on the record (because I know she's most likely going to read this) and say, Manda, I am sorry I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

Anyways, I don't regret that relationship/friendship. And I'm also glad it ended when it did because I feel it had turned toxic and was no longer healthy for me. But everything was worth it. For if I hadn't met her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I wouldn't be as free. I may still be struggling with my sexuality if it wasn't for her. I may have never come out. I especially may have never had the strength to come out to my dad and the strength to deal with him essentially disowning me. I most likely wouldn't be living here in South Carolina and being the happiest I've ever been. I wouldn't have as fulfilled and happy of a life as I do now. So thank you for giving me "One Good Moment".

Broken Hearts

I said, "I love you"
You did too
But maybe, oh maybe it just wasn't true
I know you got hurt
Well, guess what, I did too
I've done my best to move on
And you say you have too
But I just can't believe you
For if you truly had, you wouldn't be still trying to hurt me
You throw words at me like swords
Each one used to pierce me and make me bleed
But as time goes on and I continue to heal
Your aim gets worse and worse

I just wrote this poem too, about my ex. I wasn't sure what to call it.

Walked On

I tripped
And then fell flat on my face
I tried to get up
And almost succeeded
But then one person after another stepped on my back
And before I knew it
They were walking all over me
Until one by one
My bones were crushed
And all I could do
Was cry out in pain and agony
And eventually
I was no more

I'm not sure if this is any good. I was thinking and an image popped in my head and this came about. I literally just wrote this right now.

Beautiful Me, Beautiful You

I wish everyone could see their true beauty and potential. Yes you, YOU, are BEAUTIFUL!!! It makes me sad to see so many people my age and younger (well, older people too) just tear themselves apart. And I know how it feels because I've been there. I've felt ugly, on a daily basis. I battled an eating disorder. I struggled with cutting. I had suicidal thoughts. I thought I was worthless.

As women, we get so caught up in comparing ourselves to others and thinking we'll never match up, we'll never fit in, we'll never be good enough. The comparing thing started young for me. I've always been star-struck, I guess you could say. I've always looked up to celebrities. I'd see someone on TV and it was always an instant game of "That part of her body (nose, eyes, legs, whatever it was) looks better than mine. Is there anything I can do to look like her?" I was a painfully shy child and I envied celebrities because they were obviously outgoing if they were on tv. I wasn't happy being myself. I always wanted to be someone else. Never comfortable in my own skin.

It got worse as I got into middle school. Everyone seemed to be getting curves, but me. I guess I wasn't born to be a curvy girl. I've always been tiny. I started getting made fun of for being so skinny and for having no boobs. I also got made fun of for not shaving my legs. I started shaving in 7th grade even though I still had blonde hair and didn't need to. Being a young teen and going through puberty, you feel awkward enough. Add onto that being made fun of for your awkward body. Junior high is when I started having suicidal thoughts. I felt worthless. I hated myself. I started becoming really ashamed of my body to the point where I dreaded P.E. because I had to change in front of other girls. I would change as quickly as physically possible. I remember reading “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret”. There’s a line in the book where the girls do this exercise with their arms and repeat, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.” They believed it would help their boobs grow. I started doing this daily, but obviously it didn’t work.

My freshmen year of high school, I took dance to fulfill my fine arts requirement. We all changed very close to each other and I was constantly embarrassed as I noticed most of the other girls wore thongs and had developed curves and breasts. I again made it a point to figure out the best way to get changed into my leotard and yoga pants as quickly as humanly possible without anyone seeing my body for very long. High school was when I really felt like other girls were starting to compare their bodies to mine. I started hearing comments such as, “Oh my God, you’re so tiny and skinny!”, “I wish I was as skinny as you”, “Are you anorexic?”, “You need to eat!”, “I’m so jealous of you and your tiny body”, etc. I was not anorexic. I was underweight, doctors always told me this. But it was not because I didn’t eat. I ate whenever I was hungry and I ate whatever I wanted. I just had a really fast metabolism and couldn’t seem to gain weight no matter how hard I tried to. I hated all these comments. I hated people comparing themselves to me. I hated it because then I felt a pressure to stay skinny and not gain too much weight. I also didn’t get why it wasn’t okay to point out how fat someone was but it was okay to point out how skinny someone is. It always seemed like somewhat of a double standard to me.

When I was 19, I developed an eating disorder. I had gained 15 pounds since I’d graduated high school and I felt the pressure to remain skinny and it freaked me out. But the eating disorder didn’t really start because of that. It wasn’t entirely about the weight for me. I was in the middle of some horrible crap and some uncontrollable circumstances. I started restricting my eating because what I ate, if I ate, how much I ate were the only things in my life at the time that I felt like I could control. I battled against the eating disorder for 2 years.

When I was 21, I had something very horrible happen to me. Something that I’m still healing from. It changed me. It changed my way of thinking. It changed who I am. This was something I blamed myself for for a while until I finally realized that it really wasn’t my fault. Up until this point, I was almost healed from the eating disorder. But this just caused me to relapse back into it. This is also when I tried cutting a few times. You don’t understand cutting and people who do it unless you do it. I’m not at all condoning it. I think it’s a horrible thing. I’m just saying it was a way for me to remain emotionally numb. At that time, I would have much rathered feel physical pain than emotional pain. It was a lot easier for me to deal with.

I’m almost 24 now and never even think about cutting when things get bad. I’m completely healed from the eating disorder though sometimes I do still have to force myself to eat. That’s something I may always battle against. I worked hard to get myself to a positive place and have a positive mindset and find healing. I surrounded myself with positive people and cut out negative ones from my life. I realized that I had to make the choice to change my life. Four years ago, I never would have thought it was possible, but I can now look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful and pretty. I’m now comfortable in my skin. I love myself. I love who I am. I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I now love every part of my body. I know I was born to look this way and be who I am.

I just wish everyone could see how truly beautiful they are. It would be boring if everyone was perfect (nobody is perfect). It would be boring if everyone looked the same. Our differences are what make us unique. Celebrate your differences. Find ways to be positive. Find ways to make positive changes in your life. Don’t allow negativity and negative people to remain in your life. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t compare yourself to celebrities. Find one thing you love about your body and play it up. If it’s your eyes, play them up. Wear makeup and clothing that makes them pop. Don’t let the media define your beauty. They’re beauty is skewed and mostly fake anyways. You ARE beautiful…find ways to celebrate your beauty.

YOU ARE LOVED!!!

"Don't smudge it with your hand!"

Little Big Town and Sugarland 3/11/11 Charleston, SC Review

So...I'm not going to review the entire show like I usually do. Takes too long. I'm sure this'll be long anyways. I love to talk and ramble. :)

LBT M&G

This was my 5th time meeting them. I think each time gets better and more memorable as we get to know each other a little more and I become more comfortable with them. I really do feel like they're friends. They truly care about me and what's going on in my life. I walked up to them with a scrapbook I'd made them with m&g pictures and pictures I'd taken at concerts, and a letter I'd written them about my move and how they inspired me. Phillip saw that I had the scrapbook in my hand and said, "What have you got there?" I gave it to him with the letter and said, "This is for all of you." And as I was walking up, Karen said, "It's Molly Machen!" I handed them my item for them to sign. It was something I had gotten off of eBay. It was a glossy little book with pictures chronicling their achievements along with a sampler CD that they had sent out to ACM voters...in 2007, I think. Karen then said, "It's so nice to see you again" and gave me a hug. I then told them I had just moved to Charleston the day before. They were pretty amazed. Haha. They were very excited for me and kept congratulating me. Kimberly asked me what I moved here for and I told her a nanny job. She said, "Aww, a nanny!" Karen asked me how old the kids were I was watching and I said, "Just one 10 month old boy." She put her hands to her heart and said "Aww!" I said, "Yea, about the same age as your Elijah." Then Karen said, "When do you start?" I said, "On Monday." She said, "Wow, diving right in!" Then Karen saw my wishbone necklace and said, "We both have our wishbone necklaces!" I said, "Yea, but mine's not quite the same as yours." She said, "Where did you find it?" I said, "A website called ModCloth." Then I told her I went to Imogen + Willie's in Nashville the day before and met Rhett. She said, "Aww, I love him!!" I said that I'd told him I was looking for the wishbone necklace and that she'd told me she got it there. Karen said, "Did he say anything about the necklace?" I said, "They didn't have it in. He told me they'd ordered it and it should be in any day." Then they started signing the booklet. Karen signed it first because I had handed it to her. I had turned it to the page with the picture of them after their first Grammy nomination. Karen signed it and then said, "This is is really glossy. It needs to dry. Be careful not to smear it!" She tried waving it around and blowing on it, but it was still wet. When it got back to Phillip, Karen said, "Don't smudge it with your hand!" Haha. It was so funny!! Then I turned to Jimi and said, "Can I get you to sign this too? I know it's only supposed to be one item." as I handed him a copy of my last m&g picture. Jimi said, "Of course! It doesn't matter." :) As they were signing it, Karen says, "I look so fat in the picture!" I said, "No you don't!" Kimberly said, "Well, you'd just had a baby!" Karen said, "I'm covering up my body by signing over it!" Haha. After that, we took the picture. Jimi is actually, finally, smiling in it. Not giving his super sexy smoldering look. Haha. Then they all congratulated me again and told me good luck and I gave all of them hugs. Jimi gave me the best hug he's ever given me!! It was the biggest, tightest hug ever. They all gave me big hugs. They were honestly super excited and happy for me. This is why I love them. They're honestly like friends and treat you like friends or family. As I was walking away, Phillip said, "I can't wait to look at the book and read your letter!" :)

LBT’s Set

Little Big Town opened with “Grenade”. I had chills after hearing this pure brilliant amazingness live. I need to find a way to get their version of this song onto my iTunes. When they sang “The Reason Why”, Jimi and Karen sang on one mic. They were so close they were almost kissing and I really thought they were going to. I wanted them to. Be honest…you’d think it was the most adorable thing ever if they really did. Whenever they sing that song, you can see and feel the deep love they have for each other. Hearing Kimberly’s vocals on “You Can’t Have Everything” gives me chills every time. It’s amazing and moving on the CD, but it’s multiplied a hundred times live. Her voice is just so perfect, flawless. I laughed during “Why Oh Why”, just because Kimberly is so sassy and that song is so fun live. Everyone was so into “Boondocks” and it took on different meaning to me as I’d just moved here the day before. “Shut Up Train” is still my favorite song. It’s another song that always gives me chills. Karen’s voice is just amazing!

Sugarland’s Set

I remember being amazed as Sugarland came out and you could see Jenn on the bridge thing. They reminded me of why I fell in love with them and their live show in the first place. They’re so innovative and creative, always trying something new and stepping it up from their last show. “Everyday America” is always one of my favorite songs they perform live. It’s so fun and energetic. I love it even more now that they’d added the remix into it. This time, it was Cee-Lo Green’s “Forget You”, Britney Spears’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time”, and Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious”. The fact that they sang Britney Spears and Destiny’s Child just completed my life. Those were 2 big obsessions I had in my childhood. And it just validated them. :) When they sang “Baby Girl”, I sort of wanted to cry. I related to it in that I’d now moved and made some of my dreams come true and was now miles away from my parents. Plus, I’d just been by the Hermitage Café where the video was filmed the day before. I loved that they got in a circle and performed this “Kumbaya” style. And to the mom of the girl who got her phone taken by Jennifer and got to talk to Jennifer, you are beyond lucky. I got unexpectedly emotional when Jennifer painted LOVE on the flag and then during “Stand Up”. It took on such meaning for me and I connected to it in a deeper way than I had while listening to it on the CD. After this, I decided to get to word LOVE with the o as a peace sign and a music note on each side of it tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. “Little Miss” made me emotional too, but I already knew it would. That song means so much to me and really opened the door for me to start opening up and making myself vulnerable and to start talking about my past and my hurts and struggles and how far I’ve come from it all. It was amazing to see how basically the entire audience connected to this song on a very raw and emotional way. During this song, I realized that I’m no longer “Little Miss hide your scars”, but I’m now “Little Miss brand new start. Little Miss heart wide open, she’s ready now for love.” I have a tattoo idea for this too, but I’m not going to reveal it until I get the actual tattoo. :) I couldn’t believe it when Little Big Town walked out to do “Like A Prayer” with Sugarland. I freaked out and got so excited. I knew this was the first time they’d collaborated on this tour so this was an extra special treat. They sounded unbelievably amazing as they always do when they sing together. I cracked up at Jennifer wearing the wig because when her and Kimberly stood together, their hair was equally big. Haha. In conclusion, this was an amazing show. I had so much fun.