Beautiful Me, Beautiful You

I wish everyone could see their true beauty and potential. Yes you, YOU, are BEAUTIFUL!!! It makes me sad to see so many people my age and younger (well, older people too) just tear themselves apart. And I know how it feels because I've been there. I've felt ugly, on a daily basis. I battled an eating disorder. I struggled with cutting. I had suicidal thoughts. I thought I was worthless.

As women, we get so caught up in comparing ourselves to others and thinking we'll never match up, we'll never fit in, we'll never be good enough. The comparing thing started young for me. I've always been star-struck, I guess you could say. I've always looked up to celebrities. I'd see someone on TV and it was always an instant game of "That part of her body (nose, eyes, legs, whatever it was) looks better than mine. Is there anything I can do to look like her?" I was a painfully shy child and I envied celebrities because they were obviously outgoing if they were on tv. I wasn't happy being myself. I always wanted to be someone else. Never comfortable in my own skin.

It got worse as I got into middle school. Everyone seemed to be getting curves, but me. I guess I wasn't born to be a curvy girl. I've always been tiny. I started getting made fun of for being so skinny and for having no boobs. I also got made fun of for not shaving my legs. I started shaving in 7th grade even though I still had blonde hair and didn't need to. Being a young teen and going through puberty, you feel awkward enough. Add onto that being made fun of for your awkward body. Junior high is when I started having suicidal thoughts. I felt worthless. I hated myself. I started becoming really ashamed of my body to the point where I dreaded P.E. because I had to change in front of other girls. I would change as quickly as physically possible. I remember reading “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret”. There’s a line in the book where the girls do this exercise with their arms and repeat, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.” They believed it would help their boobs grow. I started doing this daily, but obviously it didn’t work.

My freshmen year of high school, I took dance to fulfill my fine arts requirement. We all changed very close to each other and I was constantly embarrassed as I noticed most of the other girls wore thongs and had developed curves and breasts. I again made it a point to figure out the best way to get changed into my leotard and yoga pants as quickly as humanly possible without anyone seeing my body for very long. High school was when I really felt like other girls were starting to compare their bodies to mine. I started hearing comments such as, “Oh my God, you’re so tiny and skinny!”, “I wish I was as skinny as you”, “Are you anorexic?”, “You need to eat!”, “I’m so jealous of you and your tiny body”, etc. I was not anorexic. I was underweight, doctors always told me this. But it was not because I didn’t eat. I ate whenever I was hungry and I ate whatever I wanted. I just had a really fast metabolism and couldn’t seem to gain weight no matter how hard I tried to. I hated all these comments. I hated people comparing themselves to me. I hated it because then I felt a pressure to stay skinny and not gain too much weight. I also didn’t get why it wasn’t okay to point out how fat someone was but it was okay to point out how skinny someone is. It always seemed like somewhat of a double standard to me.

When I was 19, I developed an eating disorder. I had gained 15 pounds since I’d graduated high school and I felt the pressure to remain skinny and it freaked me out. But the eating disorder didn’t really start because of that. It wasn’t entirely about the weight for me. I was in the middle of some horrible crap and some uncontrollable circumstances. I started restricting my eating because what I ate, if I ate, how much I ate were the only things in my life at the time that I felt like I could control. I battled against the eating disorder for 2 years.

When I was 21, I had something very horrible happen to me. Something that I’m still healing from. It changed me. It changed my way of thinking. It changed who I am. This was something I blamed myself for for a while until I finally realized that it really wasn’t my fault. Up until this point, I was almost healed from the eating disorder. But this just caused me to relapse back into it. This is also when I tried cutting a few times. You don’t understand cutting and people who do it unless you do it. I’m not at all condoning it. I think it’s a horrible thing. I’m just saying it was a way for me to remain emotionally numb. At that time, I would have much rathered feel physical pain than emotional pain. It was a lot easier for me to deal with.

I’m almost 24 now and never even think about cutting when things get bad. I’m completely healed from the eating disorder though sometimes I do still have to force myself to eat. That’s something I may always battle against. I worked hard to get myself to a positive place and have a positive mindset and find healing. I surrounded myself with positive people and cut out negative ones from my life. I realized that I had to make the choice to change my life. Four years ago, I never would have thought it was possible, but I can now look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful and pretty. I’m now comfortable in my skin. I love myself. I love who I am. I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I now love every part of my body. I know I was born to look this way and be who I am.

I just wish everyone could see how truly beautiful they are. It would be boring if everyone was perfect (nobody is perfect). It would be boring if everyone looked the same. Our differences are what make us unique. Celebrate your differences. Find ways to be positive. Find ways to make positive changes in your life. Don’t allow negativity and negative people to remain in your life. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t compare yourself to celebrities. Find one thing you love about your body and play it up. If it’s your eyes, play them up. Wear makeup and clothing that makes them pop. Don’t let the media define your beauty. They’re beauty is skewed and mostly fake anyways. You ARE beautiful…find ways to celebrate your beauty.

YOU ARE LOVED!!!